And we're back

yes the blog just went through a heart attack thenwent into a coma that even Dr. House couldn't diagnose the reason why. I guess neglecting your personal ranting / writing can become a dangerous temptress especially when you get nothing from doing either. But alas, I just can't seem to give this blog up. Its my heart and soul! Nah! Just a reason for me to write. I currently lack motivation. I guess I lack a lot of other things like sleep and a good immune system but no one gives a hoot bout those.

Life has become pretty colourful these days yet somehow I fail to notice anything besides differing shades of gray. May be I am still stuck in the past. A film noir with me as the tragic hero. I know I have these moments of nothingness. Moments where what is no longer matters... maybe its me reaching zen! But then what s life without thoughts or any expectations? I tell you its boring! What should I do? Something constructive? Its just a simple wish I have... tell me my purpose. Some say one's purpose in life is decided as we live through life. May be this means I got a few more years to live...

Tomorrow starts a new page of my story. I hope it ends well.

One too many mint pellets

Today was a disappointing day. Barely did anything besides study and ended up dizzy from low blood sugar. Another night wasted... annoying. Yet I still have something worth saying. I guess after feeling the relief of having completed my last minute revision exam, I could for just a moment glimpse the world around me. For the last few days, the world no longer seems present in my mind. I can't remember how the day was yesterday, what was the weather, anyone care to help? Everything is just gone! I can't remember any details yet I know I lived through the day, yes all the calendars, and watches are my proof. Even the ever changing exams lol.

But thats the least of my worries... seems a bug's been rampant in the city (common cold) and I think it gave me a juicy kiss coz I am sore and tired. Damn it. Yet all I can do is bitch about it and weather it out. According to the doc its the season but why oh why must it be smack in the middle of exam week?! Another annoying life cycle I could do without.

Todays most important lesson... never take more than 2 (5 or more mint pellets) in one go when you are seriously hungry. Leads to nausea for a short time n everything tastes different. M off 4 now

The hairy bum infront of Hungry Jacks

People say I'm emo... who knows, maybe I do like thinking of slitting my wrists and see the world crumble. Actually I am quite a normal guy. Your everyday run of the mill quiet uni student. But who cares right? I always try to find out why am I actually writing these things in clear manner? Why do I yearn for more people to read this blog? All I offer is a glimpse of my life. My actual life. I'm getting tired of all this contemplation over the same monotonous things. Maybe I have no other views. Just a single thought that drives me. Pathetic am I not? A whole blog dedicated to one simple reason... I exist. LOL

Its tiring... this whole living thing. Wake up, feel pain. A pain that gradually rises till it gets unbearable. Yet everyone expects you to be functioning well. Alls A OK here. Its kinda retarded. Yet C'est la vie. Nothing much I can do. I have given up on loads of people. Maybe even God. But naivety still remains. I am still a hillbilly in this world. What I know is so limited, I fear I wont even be able to survive on my own. I know I can get the basics. Yet who besides the deprived wish to live with the basics these days? I know the inner me, no matter how pure it pretends to be, still wants the soft bed, warm clothes and clean drinking water. No way will I understand what the poor desire. Yet does that mean I must ignore them as required by society? Maybe I do that, yet the guilt does tend to build up once in a while. Why must I have a double quarter pounder meal when the homeless bum comes in, wearing rank clothes, and takes out a single coin for small chips. He looks like he hasn't shaved or cut his hair for ages. Am I any better than him?

May be the guy isn't a homeless bum instead he's just another yogi come to bring us enlightenment. The world needs more of them. The lessons of the past are slowly losing their place as the fashionable morals. It just aint cool you know!

I guess I'll leave it there today (too sleepy).

Brain food

It all began with a single word that no one ever mentioned. What happened later I cannot say for sure. Maybe it all began and ended so soon that we failed to comprehend what occurred and why. Beautiful errors appear everywhere, a single day filled with brush strokes of the divine randomness. Entropy, yes it must be increasing as the scientists predicted. The world as we know it is about to end. The sun shrank, the moon inflated, God knows how many ended up moon struck. Minds began to curdle up, any one up for brain-yoghurt? I split open my head, took a spoon and dug into my brain. Mmm... tasty.

Suicidal dreams

These days I feel more and more distance between me and everyone else I know. May be its my paranoia but I guess few people actually want to be my friend because of who I am. I feel like a used tissue. An untouchable. Maybe its just another phase, or a reversion to the past. I no longer feel a sense of belonging any where. The words of advice have been erased from my memory.

People say I think too much, over complicate my life and over stress. I know my mark will fade, but why so quickly? Is this the end of my dream? Must I finally succumb to the voice in my head? Take a leap of faith and see if God is there.... or is it the End? The big zero where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. Have I lived a meaningful life? Whom have I touched, what is it that I have done that I can be proud of? I used to think friendship is the most precious thing for me, maybe even love. Yet I remain unnoticed by most and unloved. I guess its partly my own fault I m a crude person in essence, I try to be the butt kisser yet I dnt play that card too well. I must change my priorities, why have I become so self centred and selfish... maybe even greedy. If I die, who will come to bury me besides my family?

I try to be nice, to control my darker side, make myself more amiable. Yet all that ends up is a rude person whose speaks before he thinks, for whom 'no' is not an answer, its a pause... a reason to remember, a toss of the coin. Every action must have an opposite and equal reaction, every truth has an associated lie, and every smile has a frown. I must stop this soon or else it will all be over.

Defining my blog's purpose

Seems my blog tends to be pretty dry and well frequented by search engines... c'est la vie. Tired and exhausted as I may be, there is still a lot of work to do. Maybe this is a self inflicted burden... I overstress on why must 1+1 = 2 and not 11 rather than accepting it as it is. But what does this 1 represent? why must it be so... was this all predetermined? Honestly... most people couldn't care less. They got better things to do (like live life and get good sleep). Days come and go yet the pile of to do things remains constant! Guess what... managed to get my first article published in the uni rant mag. Was elated for an hour, then came the lab report and with it the entrapment in monotonic life.

Already I went off topic, its saddening that I can't remain consistent in my own writing, yet I write what I think, I express myself through these experiences. Yet who values them? Why must I get acknowledged for living? I think many others have been asking and are still asking this perturbed question. An enigma I say! We are all enigmas! Puzzles that miss the core piece to make it all make sense. Some replace this with God... some with the devil. I chose neither and ended up here in dilemma. Peers rule my world ... I must not let that happen. Not even a single strand of my world must be touched... its meant to be felt and viewed. In a way this blog is my work of art, I blindly pour myself into it hoping that there are people to view it. The more people who read this, the more I am encouraged to write. One might say, this blog is my mark on this dry world of death and despair, a simple X on the tree carved out by the doomed before the hanging.

Lettin you in

I guess I've been a bit quiet these days... slowly gettin into the talkative mood i guess. What caused this sudden change... I honestly don't know(mayb the gradually increasing sleep debt coupled with exhaustion). Today like most other days in my life will be forgotten in 1 month. What I told someone, when I said it, why I said it... all seemed to be linked by emotions. I guess my "I dont care" attitude to life tends to highlight these moments when I do care, when I want to share a feeling with someone. Yet do I really not care? I often asked this question when I gave a beggar alms, helped an old lady, did someone a favour juz coz i can. Maybe I dont know myself as well as I thought I did. I am a hypocrite at heart, a forgetful one. What I thought I said and what I actually did say tend to be pretty ambigious in my mind. Usually this leads to arguments and misunderstandings that I honestly don't know. Some people use this as a way to take advantage of me yet there is no way to verify this.

I am gettin late now so I might as well continue this later. Cya